Grief at the Holiday Table: Finding Presence Amid Absence

The first Christmas without a loved one can feel like stepping into a snowstorm without a coat. The warmth of the season—the jingling bells, glittering lights, and voices singing of joy—often amplifies the cold ache of loss. Grief and celebration make unlikely companions, yet the holidays insist on bringing them together, a forced duet we’d rather avoid. For many, the chair at the table left empty by death becomes the centerpiece of the season.

Psychologists know that grief is not a linear journey. It’s more like a dance—sometimes graceful, often stumbling—through a landscape that shifts underfoot. For those grieving, especially in the first year after loss, the holiday season can heighten the pain, conjuring sharp memories of shared traditions and triggering the cruel reality of absence. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a mindfulness-based behavioral therapy, offers a way forward. Not a cure, not a fix, but a means of holding space for both sorrow and the possibility of meaning.

Understanding Grief Through the Lens of ACT

ACT invites us to consider grief not as a problem to be solved but as a process to engage with courage and compassion. It rests on six core principles, but during the holidays, three stand out as particularly relevant: acceptance, values-based action, and present-moment awareness.

1. Acceptance: Making Room for Grief: Acceptance is not resignation. It doesn’t mean liking or wanting the pain. Instead, it’s the willingness to allow grief to coexist with the season’s rituals and moments of connection. When memories surface—of your loved one’s laugh during gift exchanges or their favorite Christmas song playing in a store—it’s natural to want to push those feelings away. But suppression often intensifies suffering. ACT encourages us to turn toward grief, to make room for it, much like making space for a guest at the holiday table.

   
   

   Try This: Set aside 10 minutes each day to intentionally sit with your grief. Find a quiet space, take a deep breath, and acknowledge your pain. “This hurts because I loved deeply,” you might tell yourself. Notice where grief resides in your body—the tight chest, the lump in your throat. By allowing grief to exist without judgment, you lessen its power to overwhelm.

   
   

2. Values-Based Action: Honoring Their Memory -The holidays can feel hollow when traditions feel incomplete or meaningless without the person who made them special. ACT invites you to reconnect with what matters most—your values. What did your loved one treasure? What legacy of theirs do you want to carry forward? By grounding your actions in their values, you honor their memory in a way that gives the season renewed purpose.

   
   

   Try This: Create a ritual in your loved one’s honor. If they loved baking, make their favorite cookies and share them with others. If they cherished quiet reflection, light a candle in their memory each night. Small, intentional acts aligned with their values can transform grief into a bond that transcends absence.

   
   

3. Present-Moment Awareness: Grounding in the Now - Grief has a way of pulling us into the past, replaying moments of joy or regret, or catapulting us into an imagined future devoid of their presence. ACT teaches us to gently guide ourselves back to the present, the only place where we can truly live. During the holidays, this might mean savoring the scent of a pine tree, noticing the way candlelight flickers, or listening closely to the laughter of children.

   
   

   Try This: When overwhelmed, pause and practice a simple mindfulness exercise. Use your senses to anchor yourself: name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste. This grounding practice helps bring your mind back to the present, even in the midst of pain.

   
   

Navigating the Holidays with Grace

Grief during the holidays doesn’t have to mean rejecting joy or forcing yourself to feel “merry.” Instead, ACT suggests that it’s possible to hold both sorrow and celebration in the same heart. Some practical, evidence-based strategies include:

• Set Boundaries: Give yourself permission to skip or modify traditions that feel too painful. You don’t owe anyone a smile or a perfect party.

• Invite Support: Let others know what you need. Whether it’s someone to listen, join you in a quiet ritual, or simply share a meal, grief softens when shared.

• Expect Ambivalence: Moments of laughter or connection don’t betray your grief—they honor the complexity of human emotion.

A Season of Compassion

As the holiday season unfolds, it’s natural to feel the sting of absence more acutely. But grief, as painful as it is, is also a reflection of love. And love, even in its most broken form, has the power to guide us toward meaning. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy offers no shortcuts or easy fixes, but it does offer a path forward—one where you can carry the weight of loss while still embracing the life ahead.

This Christmas, if grief sits beside you at the table, let it stay. Pour it a cup of tea. Allow it the space it needs. You’ll find that amid the pain, there’s also room for connection, reflection, and perhaps even a little light.